Heartbreak and Healing

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In Taylor Swift’s “Red” album, she speaks about all the different forms of love and how they seem different colors in our lives. But mostly, how love is just one big blur of red. They’re butterflies and fear, infatuation and lust among other things that we tend to feel. I’ve had the misfortune of having relationships that had every form of love imaginable. Including the kind where they became my world, and this was my downfall.

Putting them on a pedestal isn’t a bad thing. The only problem is when they don’t reciprocate the feeling. We are all human beings with lives of our own. Different thoughts, habits, faults, and gifts. Not everyone is capable of doing the same thing, so if that person is your everything and you stay their after thought, what happens then?

Your world falls apart. You start to wonder if they love you, if they miss you when you are gone, and if they even think about you. Why don’t they do the things for you that you do for them? Why, why, why? It’s a never-ending quest for something that doesn’t exist. Although, you don’t know that it doesn’t exist until later when you’re already emptied.

And when it’s over and you’re falling apart, they’re moving on with their lives. They may have loved you, but they never cared about you. If they did, you wouldn’t be feeling this way because of their actions. The moral of this story is that if someone puts themselves in a place to hurt you, use you, and lose you, then they aren’t meant to stay apart of your life.

No matter how much you love them, miss them, and think you need them. You really don’t. Take the age you are now (I’ll use me as an example). I am twenty-three. When I look back on the times of my heartbreak and it felt like I couldn’t move on, I’d remember this: I survived my entire life not knowing that person. Not needing their kiss, their touch, their voice, or their presence. And life was pretty great until they got there. If I survived that long not having them, then I will move on not having them.

You think you need them, but you don’t. Especially when they hurt you over and over. Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. People can change. We are changing every day. But you are more than likely not going to be around for them to change. If anything, you will either be the reason they spiral and get worse or change for the better. It’s a sad truth that I’ve had to come to realize.

So this week’s poem(s) is about that. Heartbreak, infatuation, and moving on. Realizing that you are okay.

The Sun and The Earth

It feels like the world is over
Because you became the earth that circles their sun.
The problem with that is while they’re shining,
You’re swept with tornadoes and blizzards,
Hurricanes and disease.
War and hate plague you and it’s rare that you ever find peace.
And you’re burned relentlessly.
Their beautiful flames don’t seem so magnificent anymore
Now that they don’t blind you.

You Will Heal

It hurts now, but stick it out.
One day you’ll realize that you haven’t cried.
In fact, you won’t remember the last time you shed
Them a tear.
You’ll think about how you don’t miss them
Because they never gave you something to miss.
You won’t think about them
Because they were never worth one of your thoughts.

And guess what?
The world didn’t end because even when
Life stops for you,
The grass still withers.
The flowers still fade.
The sun and the moon still chase each other in the sky.
The earth still turns
Except now you are the sun.

Picture via UPI.com.

The Truth Behind the Words

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I’ve always wondered why I’d see memes or listened to songs that seemed to fit my every need. It was as if I couldn’t find the words to express what I was feeling until I saw them. The amount of relief that came to my head during a breakup or relationship problems, even work related, was tremendously helpful. When I discovered poets like Rupi Kaur and Amanda Lovelace, it was like a whole new world opened and allowed me to describe everything I was feeling to other people, to myself, and in my writing. I only hope that I’m that person for others in their journey through life. This week’s poem is called The Truth Behind the Words.

The Truth Behind the Words

We all want words we can relate to.
But why?

Is it because they bring reassurance that we’re not alone in our situation?
Or maybe because we can’t always find the right things to say until we see them.

There’s a sort of therapeutic significance to reading something that says exactly what we’re feeling.
I know that the reason it makes me feel better is that there’s a level of honesty in those words.

That we don’t find in our hearts.
That we can’t say out loud.
But when the words hit us,
So does the truth
And that’s what sets us free
From the feeling of not being able to express ourselves.

Picture Via Imgrum.org

In Memory of Belle

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Yesterday was a very sad day as we said goodbye to a very important member of the family. My Corgi-Doberman mix, Belle, was my best and most loyal friend. She was also the love of my life. I named her Belle, not after the Disney princess, but after the French word meaning “Beautiful.” The first time I saw her I thought she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

When my dad brought her home she was small, skinny, and dirty. The other dogs that she was with her mean to her and didn’t let her have any food. As soon as he put her on the floor she jumped in my lap and bathed me in kisses. There was one day where I put her on the couch with me and we cuddled for two hours, watching Doctor Who. After that, she decided that she was mine and I was hers. Belle never left my side.

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I’d had close connections with animals before, but nothing like I’d had with her. She was there for so much. When my grandfather died, she comforted me. Whenever I’ve been stressed or heartbroken, she made me feel better. The night I came home completely broken she met me at the door and gave me the best hug. We laid in my bed, her on one side of the body pillow and me on the other. I told her about all the terrible things my ex-boyfriend did to me and she just lay her paw on my hand and reassured me with her eyes that everything would be okay.

We did everything together including walks in the rain, listening to music, and watching TV. She loved Doctor Who and The Walking Dead the most. The Nightmare Before Christmas was definitely a movie that she loved. She would bark when Jack Skellington sang. She never argued with me when it was bath time and her favorite part was the towel drying. Belle didn’t bite, snap, or hate anyone. In fact, she loved everybody and just wanted them to love her.

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But yesterday she lost the battle with heartworms. She’d gotten them about six months ago and it was her death sentence. She got very sick and no matter what we did for her she just got worse. Belle had a heart murmur we didn’t know about and so the heartworms were affecting her differently. Her body wasn’t able to fight them off, nor could she accept the treatments. We didn’t know this until after her first treatment a couple of weeks ago. She lost about ten pounds, putting her at half her weight and couldn’t keep any food or water down.

The heartworms worsened, damaging her lungs, liver, and various other organs. She was facing organ failure and could potentially go into cardiac arrest. Belle stayed in the hospital for a couple of days receiving treatments for her heart and stomach, but we eventually had to realize that it wasn’t enough. If she didn’t die of the heartworms, it would be something else.

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I never thought I’d have to make a decision like the one I made yesterday. However, when I looked in her eyes and saw how tired she was I knew that she wouldn’t make it. So she has gone to be with Jesus and I know I’ll see her again one day.

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Who Are They To You?

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Recently, my attention turned to this topic. Many people in my life have told me about their own suffering from the mental and emotional abuse they’ve experienced. I know what that’s like because it’s no secret of what I’ve gone through in my life. Humans just want to be loved, appreciated, and felt cared for. When someone we don’t know hurts us, it’s disappointing. However, when someone we love hurts us we can shatter.

The problem is that they don’t always know they’re hurting us, and sometimes they won’t know for a while. Mainly because we’re so scared of hurting them we won’t tell them about the hurt that we’re suffering. These people will tell us how worthless we are and how we can’t do anything right. Sometimes they use those exact words, but other times they dance around them. Other times it’s a slower type of abuse that we don’t notice at first. Eventually, it takes our minds over and before we know it, we’re something that’s broken.

For some, we self-destruct. Believing those things causes us to continue to hurt ourselves and the ones around us because that’s “All we’re good for.” People never realize they’re so much better than that. I’ve had the unfortunate circumstance of heartbreak recently. Someone I loved so deeply hurt me and I’m still in the process forgiveness and trying to get through the day without crying.

I am glad to say that I didn’t self-destruct this time. I think it’s because I had finally found something to live for and someone to care about. Even though I was hurt, I’m incapable of being mad at the person. I won’t lie, it’s frustrating because I want to be. I know I should, but I can’t.

I’m putting two poems up tonight. I wrote them in the last couple of days. It’s the lessons that I’ve learned through my experiences, faith, and prayer that have gotten me through even my darkest moments. I’m not sure how many will read all of this. Maybe some will read the first few paragraphs and get bored, or others won’t read it at all. But I hope that the one I want to read it will.

Don’t you know you’re beautiful

If you feel you are worthless
because of the words of others,
remember that those words are older than you.
They’ve been traveling for some time now.
You are not their first stop,
and you aren’t their last.

Forgiveness and Forgetting

Forgiveness is not the act of
Forgetting what they did.
It’s not for them to feel better,
Nor is it an obligation.
Forgiveness is the act of letting go
Of the pain, they caused so that
You can move on and blossom into the
Butterfly you are.

And now I want you to think of every single person who has ever hurt you. What did they say? How did it make you feel? And now ask yourself, who are they to you?

Picture Via National Geographic Kids.

Remembrance

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When I think about you I can’t breathe
I swear that for a moment,
just a moment,
the world freezes.
There’s nothing but me
In my red lipstick and long dress.
Then there’s you.
A Prince charming to my fairytale.
In my head, I can feel the touch of our hands
as they glide over each other’s skin.
I feel your lips on mine.
They’re on my cheek, my neck, my shoulders.
I still remember what it was like to touch your hair.
It blanketed my fingers like it was trying to keep them warm.
The memories are vague, so long ago.
It’s like trying to create a character for a book.
You’re real, but you aren’t.
I’m trying to know someone who I’ve never met.
It frightens me to try,
but scares me to forget.

Lauren M.

Image via Business Insider

The Heart Of Poetry

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Poetry is a form of writing that most people don’t pay attention to. Even those who read the biggest books won’t pick up a small poem. It seems meaningless to them compared to the adventures of their novels. I’ve been that way for most of my life. Always reading and appreciating literature, but never reveling in the beauty of poetry.

“And when wind and winter harden / All the loveless land, / It will whisper of the garden, / You will understand.” – To My Wife, Oscar Wilde

I think the reason is school. Every year the English class curriculums require poetry. There are guides, big words, and a formula for creating the perfect poem. However, I’ve come to find out that poetry isn’t perfect and there isn’t this perfect formula for it. While personification, metaphors, and similes are great you don’t need them for a poem to be good.

Personally, I prefer personification. In my opinion, it’s always been easier to make an inanimate object come to life. “The smiling sun,” and, “Caressing towel,” are just two examples. Before yesterday, I hadn’t written poetry in a long time. In fact, the last time I remember writing a poem was with my sister one night. I don’t remember what I wrote about, but I used one of her prompts from her class.

“Words, words were truly alive on the tongue, in the head warm, beating, frantic, winged; music and blood but then I was young.” – “Little Red Cap” by Carol Ann Duffy

All I remember was that it needed to make me mad and uncomfortable. It was then I learned that poetry is uncomfortable. It’s not like writing a novel where you can be someone different from yourself. In poetry, you are yourself. You can’t hide behind a mask or pretend that it isn’t how you really feel. It is pure, raw emotion and intimacy. It’s passion and everything about your life that you love and hate.

Before that night, I hadn’t written since I was with one of my ex-boyfriends. I’d thought that I’d lost my ability to write poetry because he’d left me so empty. I also thought that I wasn’t good at it. (I’m definitely no Emily Dickenson). However, you don’t need to be an Emily Dickenson to move someone with your words.

Robert Frost once said, “Poetry begins with a lump in the throat.” It’s what you feel and it’s your chance to release those thoughts on paper. It’s a great outlet, especially if you can’t find the words verbally.