Month: September 2017

Strength

chainstrong

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” – Says everyone without a clue.

Don’t get me wrong, I used to be one of the people who said this. I always viewed it as an inspirational quote that could help people who are going through a hard time. That was until I woke up one day and asked, “When am I going to become the strong person that everyone says I’ll be?”

What comes to my mind when I put that quote and my situations together is that I’ll move on and forget about it. For some of my situations, it’s been two years, four years, ten years plus since incidents happened. I still live my life in fear of them happening again and scared I’ll see certain people. Does that sound like moving on to you?

People are under this impression that you grieve, heal, move on, and it never affects you again. You forget about it and it’s like it never happened. That’s the idea of a “Strong” person. That isn’t real. If this is what defines a strong person then there’s no such thing.

The reason is that the world doesn’t stop for anything. Time continues to go by, babies are born, elderly dies and everyone’s’ lives continue. You still have to get up in the morning, go to work, pay bills, provide for your family, and do things that involve life. Just because you’re abused, assaulted, mistreated, let down, or stressed out, doesn’t mean anything. That sounds heartless, but it’s the truth. Life doesn’t care about what you look like, where you’re from, or what religion you are. It’s just hard.

I’m going to tell you something you may not like. Any situation that affects you in this way isn’t something you’ll move on from. Your life will always be affected. Your relationships with people, your workplace, your environment, family, and even yourself. In the Walking Dead Andrea tells a suicidal Beth, “The pain doesn’t go away, you just make room for it.”

If I use the word strong to describe someone that’s been through a traumatic experience, It’s going to be like this. A strong person is someone who made themselves wake up in the morning and go to work instead of calling out and laying in bed. The strong person immersed themselves in an activity to keep their mind busy while the other person dwelled on it constantly. A strong person realized the world is turning whether they want it to, so they continued to turn with it.

When you’re strong, you know that the pain will probably never go away. However, you make sure you do your best not to let it affect your life in a negative way. When it does, you catch it and change the circumstances immediately. You don’t play the “woe is me” card. You don’t use what happened as a crutch to say or o whatever you want.

I’ve been through a lot for someone my age and I’ve seen a lot from other people. Throughout my childhood and into my adult life I’ve had to deal with things I shouldn’t have. Some of my relationships weren’t very good. One, in particular, gave me a form of PTSD that still affects me now. I played the “Woe is me” card, I used it as a crutch to explain the way I am with the “Help isn’t possible” attitude.

When I asked myself why I wasn’t the strong person everyone said I’d be, I realized it’s because I’m still dwelling on it. So I stopped and chose to turn with it. Then I asked why the pain wouldn’t leave and found out that it never would. I’d just make room for it and live day-to-day trying my best to keep it together.

In this world, people go to war and kill women and children soldiers. People get raped and children get abducted. Women and men suffer from abuse, parents mistreat and neglect their kids, and there are more lies flying around than there are drops of water in an ocean. This world is a really crappy place.

I’ve found that when I came to accept this about the world and my life, I got peace. It’s ironic that accepting the idea of never going back to the way things used to be was mentally and emotionally freeing. So this week’s poem is about my realization of what a strong person really is versus what everyone else thinks it is. It’s a traumatic situation in my life that led me down a path that wasn’t pretty. I also threw in a poem by Emily Dickinson that helped me with this.

You say “What doesn’t kill you” like death is only physical

The stranger said, “You’re lucky he didn’t kill you”
Oh, but he did.
You see, I’m still here in front of you speaking.
But if you look at my chest, there’s still a hole
From where he reached in and tore my heart out.

If you look close enough, you’ll read his words
That he tattooed all over my body and
The bruises left from his hate.
To you, I look normal.
But to me, I’m changed forever.

You say I’m lucky he didn’t kill me,
But he did.
Just because I’m breathing,
Doesn’t mean I’m alive.

My life closed twice before its close

My life closed twice before its close—
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me

So huge, so hopeless to conceive
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell.

Picture via www.blog.thisisbeast.com

Something Meaningful

SHH

Something has really annoyed me this week. I say this week even though it’s gotten on my nerves many times. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m not a loud or obnoxious person. I don’t say much and I choose not to raise my voice. When I explain this as being just the way I am, people seem to understand. However, most people call me shy or timid. Why is this?

Why is it when someone isn’t loud they’re automatically shy? When I think of shy, the word scared comes to mind. I think of the times when children hide behind their parent’s legs instead of saying hi to the stranger. Parents blow this off as being shy. I’m most definitely not hiding behind anyone’s legs, nor am I afraid of talking.

In fact, I’m the opposite. Talking is something that I’m best at. I talk about the weather and how I love rainy days more than the sunshine. I also talk about my favorite TV shows and movies. Food, music, animals, and which cleaning product is better or worse for the surface you’re needing to clean. I talk about the most mundane things and even deeper and more intellectual subjects.

The difference between what society considers outgoing and social butterfly is that when it comes to my conversations, I don’t just have them randomly. I don’t just start talking about subjects that don’t matter and run my mouth like a rat on a wheel. When I say something, I want it to be meaningful. Not a pile of gibberish that is spoken just to hear what my voice sounds like. I know what it sounds like. I’ve had this voice for twenty-three years.

So this week’s poem isn’t about love or lust or envy. It isn’t about my faith nor heartbreak. This week’s poem is about exactly what I’m talking about. It’s a poem I wrote recently when this subject started to matter to me. I can’t stand stereotypes, nor can I stand someone judging another person when they don’t even know them.

Don’t mistake my quiet voice,
Or my silence as fear.
I’m not afraid of sound,
Nor am I afraid of people.
It isn’t fear that silences me.
It isn’t people that quiet me.
I’m not shy nor am I timid.
I’m my own person
Who just so happens to not say much.
Not because I’m choking on my words.
Not because my heart is beating out my chest.
But because I’m choosing not to.
I say only what I want to say.
And that’s good enough for me.

– If there’s anything that I want people to remember, it’s that I had a lot to say in so little words.

Picture via thevitalounge.net

I Don’t Believe You

Is-it-Biblical-to-Forgive-and-Forget

There is a beauty in simple, yet mind-blowing poetry. When most people think of poetry they look to Emily Dickenson or William Shakespeare. They think of that as what poetry is and if they write anything it’s terrible. Nothing anyone writes can meet the standards of those poets.

However, no one should think that way. While their writing is amazing, so is the poetry that gets written today. Poetry is the thoughts and feelings written about experiences you go through. I used to look at my poetry and think it was garbage. I tried to write like other people whom I thought were the best. Then I cut that out of my life. For a world that strives on being different from everyone else, we sure do like to compare ourselves and try to be like others.

When I started writing my poetry again I began to remind myself not to compare it to other writers. These were my thoughts and feelings. This was my way of expressing myself, coping with my reality, and potentially helping others do the same. Sometimes my poems would be long and other times they’ be shorter. Then there were moments where I only wrote one sentence down and that was enough to change my entire outlook on life.

It’s in those times that we read something or hear it in a song that we go, “Wow that so fits right now.” Then it’s almost like our world opened up to something completely new. I decided to share one of those poems this week. One that is extremely short, but says a lot in just a few words.

I’ve gone through many experiences. Dealing with people is usually the cause. I talk a lot about forgiveness and forgetting. I’ve grown up hearing the term, “Forgive and forget.” I hate it. This phrase teaches people who when you forgive someone, you’re supposed to forget it ever happened. That isn’t real. You can’t just forget what they did, how they did it, or who they did it with.

Sometimes it’s the small stuff that is possible to forget. Like a little white lie that they told for no reason. But there are times when those little white lies turn into bigger lies and so on. That is the same for every thing else these people do. It starts small and then grows until it is mentally draining and painful.

It’s at this point when you’ve decided enough is enough, and then they decided to “see” you. They want you to forgive them, but they also want it to be forgotten. So that’s what this week’s poem is about. The realization that no matter how hard I try, I will never forget what’s happened and that’s okay.

A lot of people argue that this way of thinking isn’t healthy. It’s “Holding grudges” or something stupid like that. In reality, it isn’t. What’s unhealthy is pretending like it’s possible to forget something that’s made such an impact on your life. It’s weirdly satisfying and freeing to know it’ll never go away. The pain will, the tears will, and a time will come when you don’t think about it as often. However, the memory will stay. The key to moving on isn’t trying to forget it. It’s knowing that you never will.

I don’t believe you

You may have changed,
But my memories haven’t.

Today, Tomorrow, and Forever

unnamed

I think everything we can agree on is the feeling of heartbreak. It’s a universal pain that no one ever wants to bear, especially when we think about the person we love. However, when you are standing there in front of that person, or on the phone, or where ever you are and they say those words it’s like magic. A switch flips inside of you and your once happy life turns upside down.

You know it’s over. It’s like you took every kiss, every touch, every minute spent together for granted. You never thought about it being over because you never saw it being over (even when you did). There were plenty of times during my relationships where I “Saw” the relationship ending before it was over, but never believed it would happen.

Then you start to think that you took it all for granted. The last time you kissed is now the last time you’ll ever kiss them again. How was it? Was it a quick peck on the lips or something more? The last time you hugged did you really hold them or instantly let go? These are all thoughts that rush through someone’s head when they’re the ones with a broken heart.

I decided I wouldn’t do the same thing I always do. I’m not saying that I didn’t think about the relationship, the good times, the bad times, or that I missed it or that person. But I also didn’t allow myself to die on the inside. Even though he made me happy, my relationship wasn’t satisfying. It wasn’t what I expected my relationship to be, and when it was over, I realized that was one of the best decisions that we could have ever made.

The relationship made me disappointed, confused, full of questions that would never be satisfied with the answers I’d receive. I gave everything to be there and in the end it was me with the broken heart. But just like you can choose to love, you can choose whether the pain hurts you are not. I’m not talking about going numb and blocking it from your mind. That only creates a wall that’ll smash first chance it gets. It’ll keep others from being able to love you and from you being able to love others.

What I’m talking about is letting it hurt. Giving yourself a moment to be alone and do whatever it is that needs to be done. The world continues to turn no matter how much you don’t want it to. So if you need to write, cry, listen to music about how much life sucks, or something else. Do it. Block their number if you need to and don’t ever speak to them again. And then when your time is up, move on. Get up, go to work, go out with friends, and learn how to be yourself again.

You never realize how much you change yourself when you are with someone, especially if the relationship lasts a long time. A lot of people don’t take the time to learn who they’ve become before they jump into the next one. I once heard one of my coworkers say, “Each relationship is like a book. If you go back and read it, you already know what’s going to happen.”

Well I agree with that except I view them as chapters. When you read a book and you get to the next chapter your brain probably just exploded with that crazy plot twist. Most people have to get to the next chapter to find out what happens when they really should take a break and contemplate how everything has changed at that point. When you keep continuing reading your chapters, you get to the end and suffer the worst book hangover ever!

So this is what this week’s poem is about. I apologize for being a day late. This was a very long and crazy weekend without much time to slow down and focus on my writing. I also wasn’t sure what to post about. Sometimes we just need to slow down in a world that constantly tells us to go, go, go!

Whether your heart’s broken now or it will be in the future (Potentially), remember to give yourself a certain amount of time to feel it. And honestly, enjoy it. I know that sounds weird but it’s the truth. This is a part of life and a part of becoming who you’re supposed to be. No matter how much it hurts, find the good parts and revel in them. Don’t be upset because it’s over, be happy because it happened. Even when it’s a terrible relationship. It happened and it happened to you. It’s going to make you a fantastic person.

Then, when your time is up, wake up from your dream. One day you’ll realize it doesn’t hurt anymore. In season two of The Walking Dead, Andrea tells Beth, “The pain doesn’t go away. You just make room for it.”

Today, Tomorrow, and Forever

I’ll give myself today.
Today is my day to cry, to anger, to stew.
Today is my day to write about the heartbreak
I suffered, throw anything I can, and plot my
Revenge.

But tomorrow is new, a fresh start.
Tomorrow I’ll wake up and no more tears
Will fall from these eyes.
No anger will radiate from me
And that revenge I plotted will be forgotten.
I will not destroy everything I touch.
I will not self-destruct like everyone expects.

Yesterday, you were my everything.
Today, you’re not my happily ever after.
Tomorrow, you’ll be another name to add to my
List of once upon a times.

Picture via Google Play.