Month: August 2017

Starting Over

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One of my favorite topics to discuss is relationships. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a lot of experience in that department. There are stories that I can tell you that would blow your mind, make you laugh, and make you question the hope of all humanity. In the end, however, relationships aren’t forever. They come and go just as the world turns day and night.

We all have our own special rituals that we do during a breakup. One poet that really helped me during my most recent one was Rupi Kaur. She has such a raw way of expressing herself and her thoughts. In one of her pieces, she writes down a checklist of everything you should do when you have a breakup. You can view it by CLICKING HERE.

This week’s poem was written during the hard part of my most recent breakup. After I finished reading Rupi Kaur’s Milk and Honey, I followed a bit of her checklist. It actually made me feel better than I thought it would. I don’t know what your checklist is or if you even have one. However, I’ve learned that it’s the little things we do that help the healing process begin.

Starting Over

I threw everything away,
Washed my bed sheets,
And cleaned my room.
As water ran down my body I thought about you.

All of the memories rushed back in red.
All across my mind was you.
For that moment I allowed myself to miss you.
To picture us running into each others arms
And then I stopped.

Those thoughts turned into the water.
I let them caress me one last time like you used to.
I felt you there and then they went down the drain
Where they belong.

Picture via clker.com

Heartbreak and Healing

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In Taylor Swift’s “Red” album, she speaks about all the different forms of love and how they seem different colors in our lives. But mostly, how love is just one big blur of red. They’re butterflies and fear, infatuation and lust among other things that we tend to feel. I’ve had the misfortune of having relationships that had every form of love imaginable. Including the kind where they became my world, and this was my downfall.

Putting them on a pedestal isn’t a bad thing. The only problem is when they don’t reciprocate the feeling. We are all human beings with lives of our own. Different thoughts, habits, faults, and gifts. Not everyone is capable of doing the same thing, so if that person is your everything and you stay their after thought, what happens then?

Your world falls apart. You start to wonder if they love you, if they miss you when you are gone, and if they even think about you. Why don’t they do the things for you that you do for them? Why, why, why? It’s a never-ending quest for something that doesn’t exist. Although, you don’t know that it doesn’t exist until later when you’re already emptied.

And when it’s over and you’re falling apart, they’re moving on with their lives. They may have loved you, but they never cared about you. If they did, you wouldn’t be feeling this way because of their actions. The moral of this story is that if someone puts themselves in a place to hurt you, use you, and lose you, then they aren’t meant to stay apart of your life.

No matter how much you love them, miss them, and think you need them. You really don’t. Take the age you are now (I’ll use me as an example). I am twenty-three. When I look back on the times of my heartbreak and it felt like I couldn’t move on, I’d remember this: I survived my entire life not knowing that person. Not needing their kiss, their touch, their voice, or their presence. And life was pretty great until they got there. If I survived that long not having them, then I will move on not having them.

You think you need them, but you don’t. Especially when they hurt you over and over. Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. People can change. We are changing every day. But you are more than likely not going to be around for them to change. If anything, you will either be the reason they spiral and get worse or change for the better. It’s a sad truth that I’ve had to come to realize.

So this week’s poem(s) is about that. Heartbreak, infatuation, and moving on. Realizing that you are okay.

The Sun and The Earth

It feels like the world is over
Because you became the earth that circles their sun.
The problem with that is while they’re shining,
You’re swept with tornadoes and blizzards,
Hurricanes and disease.
War and hate plague you and it’s rare that you ever find peace.
And you’re burned relentlessly.
Their beautiful flames don’t seem so magnificent anymore
Now that they don’t blind you.

You Will Heal

It hurts now, but stick it out.
One day you’ll realize that you haven’t cried.
In fact, you won’t remember the last time you shed
Them a tear.
You’ll think about how you don’t miss them
Because they never gave you something to miss.
You won’t think about them
Because they were never worth one of your thoughts.

And guess what?
The world didn’t end because even when
Life stops for you,
The grass still withers.
The flowers still fade.
The sun and the moon still chase each other in the sky.
The earth still turns
Except now you are the sun.

Picture via UPI.com.

The Truth Behind the Words

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I’ve always wondered why I’d see memes or listened to songs that seemed to fit my every need. It was as if I couldn’t find the words to express what I was feeling until I saw them. The amount of relief that came to my head during a breakup or relationship problems, even work related, was tremendously helpful. When I discovered poets like Rupi Kaur and Amanda Lovelace, it was like a whole new world opened and allowed me to describe everything I was feeling to other people, to myself, and in my writing. I only hope that I’m that person for others in their journey through life. This week’s poem is called The Truth Behind the Words.

The Truth Behind the Words

We all want words we can relate to.
But why?

Is it because they bring reassurance that we’re not alone in our situation?
Or maybe because we can’t always find the right things to say until we see them.

There’s a sort of therapeutic significance to reading something that says exactly what we’re feeling.
I know that the reason it makes me feel better is that there’s a level of honesty in those words.

That we don’t find in our hearts.
That we can’t say out loud.
But when the words hit us,
So does the truth
And that’s what sets us free
From the feeling of not being able to express ourselves.

Picture Via Imgrum.org

In Memory of Belle

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Yesterday was a very sad day as we said goodbye to a very important member of the family. My Corgi-Doberman mix, Belle, was my best and most loyal friend. She was also the love of my life. I named her Belle, not after the Disney princess, but after the French word meaning “Beautiful.” The first time I saw her I thought she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

When my dad brought her home she was small, skinny, and dirty. The other dogs that she was with her mean to her and didn’t let her have any food. As soon as he put her on the floor she jumped in my lap and bathed me in kisses. There was one day where I put her on the couch with me and we cuddled for two hours, watching Doctor Who. After that, she decided that she was mine and I was hers. Belle never left my side.

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I’d had close connections with animals before, but nothing like I’d had with her. She was there for so much. When my grandfather died, she comforted me. Whenever I’ve been stressed or heartbroken, she made me feel better. The night I came home completely broken she met me at the door and gave me the best hug. We laid in my bed, her on one side of the body pillow and me on the other. I told her about all the terrible things my ex-boyfriend did to me and she just lay her paw on my hand and reassured me with her eyes that everything would be okay.

We did everything together including walks in the rain, listening to music, and watching TV. She loved Doctor Who and The Walking Dead the most. The Nightmare Before Christmas was definitely a movie that she loved. She would bark when Jack Skellington sang. She never argued with me when it was bath time and her favorite part was the towel drying. Belle didn’t bite, snap, or hate anyone. In fact, she loved everybody and just wanted them to love her.

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But yesterday she lost the battle with heartworms. She’d gotten them about six months ago and it was her death sentence. She got very sick and no matter what we did for her she just got worse. Belle had a heart murmur we didn’t know about and so the heartworms were affecting her differently. Her body wasn’t able to fight them off, nor could she accept the treatments. We didn’t know this until after her first treatment a couple of weeks ago. She lost about ten pounds, putting her at half her weight and couldn’t keep any food or water down.

The heartworms worsened, damaging her lungs, liver, and various other organs. She was facing organ failure and could potentially go into cardiac arrest. Belle stayed in the hospital for a couple of days receiving treatments for her heart and stomach, but we eventually had to realize that it wasn’t enough. If she didn’t die of the heartworms, it would be something else.

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I never thought I’d have to make a decision like the one I made yesterday. However, when I looked in her eyes and saw how tired she was I knew that she wouldn’t make it. So she has gone to be with Jesus and I know I’ll see her again one day.

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